Expectations

   

It hasn't even been 1 full week of me being off work, but it's been quite the roller coaster for me. My last day was supposed to be Monday, but I ended up canceling the overtime I was planning to work. It kind of screwed me up since I didn't realize my last shift was Sunday until after I was gone. I lost my 'last day of work' experience. I didn't say any goodbyes. I couldn't tell you the details of 'the last 911 call I ever took'. I didn't soak up the experience as I would have had I known it was my last day. It affected me more than I anticipated and I was experiencing a different mentality than what was expected. My kids were happy, my husband was jumping for joy, I was getting multiple texts: 'OMG! Are you SO excited?!' 'Freeeeeedom!!! Aren't you SO happy?!' 'YAY! So excited for you!' and just everyone was so positively supportive. But me? Well, I felt empty. You know those scenes in movies where people stare into space (or the mirror) to represent deep soul searching thoughts and revelations? Well....there was a lot of staring into space for me. But my mind was filled with 'I don't have a job. I don't have a job. I don't have a job.' It was the weirdest thing for me. And it scared me. I remember texting Alicia and asked her what her first few days off were like and she basically told me that her experience had been pretty great. So....what the HELL was wrong with ME?! I know now that nothing was 'wrong' with my reaction and feelings. It was just 'different'.

   Tuesday was better. I don't know if it was because Tuesday was originally going to be my first full day off or what, but it just felt better. With the 12 hour shifts schedule I had, days off during the week were the norm so being home while the kids go to school isn't a big change for me. What WAS a change was the lack of extreme and utter exhaustion I usually feel during my days off. My days off were typically not guaranteed and quite sporadic. So when I did get days off, I had this constant desire to SLEEP. Like, all of the time. If I had a day off, I wasn't always sure I was guaranteed the next day off before a 50 hour workweek. So it was almost like I tried depositing sleep into my mental bank so I wouldn't run out before the end of my week. Workdays were, as I said, 12 (sometimes 14-18) hour shifts and I typically was lucky if I got 6-7 hours of sleep each night. So my sleep bank ran out quickly.  I was always bankrupt. But now, with only the knowledge that I'm not facing a long workweek is enough to give me a little more energy each day.

    Here I am now, Friday morning, and I plan on having a family meeting this weekend. You see, all 4 of us had different expectations of how this was all going to pan out. And NONE of the expectations have been met. As much as I wanted a bit of recovery time, I know that I need to step up my game and make some serious changes in my daily routine. However, my family needs to understand that I have NEVER been a stay at home....anything, and that the skills required to run a household smoothly will not happen overnight. I think it will help that we all make our expectations crystal clear and we will all need to work on compromise and a game plan. I think I will pencil that in for tomorrow. Tonight?! Family Fun Night!!! Friday Freedom for all of us and it's time to finally properly celebrate me quitting my job and enjoy the 3 reasons why I did it. I'm finally in that mindset that everyone expected me to be in on Monday. YES! I'm excited...YES! I'm happy...YAY Jumping for joy!!