A Month in Review

Well, here we are, the first week back to school. Here is the mandatory FDOS picture:

The past month since I last posted have brought us some ups and downs.

Ups:

*I've been cooking a TON and trying out a bunch of new recipes. I've gotten very comfortable with tweaking recipes and I NEVER used to do that. It's gotten to be habit to get an idea (chicken Marsala) and then research a bunch of recipes (focusing on *easy*) and then making something all my own. About 95% have worked out. Too bad I'm terrible at writing down exactly what I did!

*I'm getting into more of a routine when it comes to household chores - THAT was a hard one for me, for some reason. But I think I've got it down. I won't bother outlining what it is that I do, because writing it out doesn't look like much, but for some reason I've kept very busy. Although, I admit that I've had a little more down time this week with the kids in school, but that will disappear as soon as Leah's teacher comes up with a schedule for room volunteers.

*I don't miss working. Like, at ALL. I sometimes miss taking 911's and helping people, but honestly - I am more drawn to home, my family and my immediate community right now. There are plenty of opportunities for me to pick up part time work as a 911 call taker in some dispatch centers close by, but as of right now I have no interesting in pursuing that.

*We are all truly enjoying the little things in life. Living in the country is SO peaceful and even in the hottest month of summer, it is still so pretty out here. We are surrounded by orchards and crops so it remains quite green and lush. Anytime anyone comes to visit, they gush about how NICE it is out here. Everyone loves sitting on the front porch and just relax. I am proud to offer a little bit of serenity for my friends and family.

Not my home, but just as peaceful

Downs:

*Big one - Leah fell out of our golf cart and sustained a concussion and some nasty road rash. That was SO scary but we are so blessed that she's made a full recovery. It also showed me how woefully under prepared we are if something else were to happen to one of us. I am not under that fantasy trap in believing that trained medical personnel will arrive at my door step 5 minutes after I call 911. I am fully aware of where we live and the delayed time it can help to arrive. It used to frustrate the hell out of me when people would call 911 and they would live 15 miles away from the closest fire station up winding roads and they would demand to know where we were after 5 minutes. If we make the choice to enjoy the benefits of living AWAY from a city, then we suffer the loss of convenience. I have to admit that MOST of the citizens who lived that far away rarely called and when they did, most of the time they understood the time delay. The frustrating calls were few and far between. I just don't ever want to be one of those people. I want to be able to handle our accidents and illnesses as best I can while waiting for help. So, I've been building up my first aid cache...a single box of band aids is NOT gonna cut it! It helps me to be proactive. Fingers crossed we will never need to access any of that stuff, but I will feel so much better having it on hand.

*So, I've noticed that I'm a little more sensitive when Jimmy banters with me. THIS has GOT to change! That is not me. We still banter back and forth, but when he makes comments about something that I cook or clean or whatever...even when I know he's joking, I'm totally irritated by it. WTH?! It is totally because this is my JOB now. Cooking, cleaning, taking care of my family is who I am. So, if something is said, even if in jest, that I perceive to belittle something I'm doing, it pisses me off! Actually.....if we're being honest - it hurts my feelings which THEN pisses me off! I've talked to Jimmy about it and he completely understands, but still, I know I have a thicker skin than that. I think it's because I'm not completely 100% secure in the job I'm doing, but as soon as I know I'm kicking ass at this whole 'stay-at-home mom' thing, then I will be able to brush off any comments. Oh...wait....has ANYONE felt 100% kick ass at this job?! Yeeaaaahhhh - probably not. I guess I am in a fantasy. 

The HUGE thing is that I truly feel like I am moving forward and improving every single day. I am truly enjoying my life, including all of the new challenges. I am constantly stopping to pinch myself, sometimes not believing how LUCKY I am. I get to stay home with my kids! I get to be involved in every aspect of their lives (whether they want it or not *insert evil laugh*). I have the freedom to expand my horizons in new friends, hobbies, volunteer activities, etc. I was blessed with 11 years in an exciting and fulfilling career and here I am, still young enough, healthy enough to embark on this new journey to improve the lives of my children. I know I'm not perfect, but I promise not to take this time in my life for granted. This is an amazing gift and I plan on enjoying it to fullest.  

  

Country Living

Well, I finally got some Internet out here in the sticks. What a hassle. In fact, almost EVERYTHING has been a hassle since we moved. Nothing that is making me curl up in a ball and cry, but it's all like 'Seriously?! Are you kidding me?!'.

For instance, I called two weeks ago to get our garbage service set up....we have yet to see our can delivered!

'Seriously?!'

They told us yesterday that they are 'backlogged and waiting for parts'

'Are you kidding me?! Parts for WHAT!?! It's an effin GARBAGE CAN!'

We set up the appointment for Internet which required them to come out and 'survey the property'.

'Seriously?'

They called the night before the appointment and requested reschedule because, and I QUOTE, 'It's going to be, like, a hundred, and like a LOT degrees and so it's too hot for the guys to work outside'

'ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Um....it was only 77 degrees at 8 am - which is WHEN THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE'

In the first week of moving in, our AC broke, our dishwasher broke, our dryer broke, my nail broke. It was craziness. But *I* didn't break. Which is surprising because I HATE sweating INSIDE my house. I HATE washing dishes by hand. I HATE line drying clothes. However, some of those things weren't as bad as I thought (although I will NEVER EVER not hate sweating inside my house), the hand washing dishes wasn't too bad as I had pretty nice views to gaze upon.

 

 

The line drying of the clothes wasn't too bad as I acquired a bit of color being out in the sun and it prevented the house from heating up any more. (Although I do admit that my mother in law took care of a few loads for us, NO one likes line dried towels)

Oh, also, none of our inside doors have locks (yet) and Leah has not yet learned the importance of knocking when it comes to my bedroom. We are working on that life lesson, but I know that when she gets excited about something, she forgets. Previously, Jimmy and I relied on locks to prevent unwelcome intruders during our...."talks", but until we get locks installed, this is what we have had to rely on:

I'm telling ya! We have had a TON of laughs the past few weeks. It's just such a whole new world for us and even in the middle of the biggest hassles, we still find the humor in everything.

So, as I knew it would, things are kicking in for me here at this new house, in this new environment. I love staying at home. I love being with my family and being available to my friends and family when they need me or just want to hang out. My best friend asked me a few months ago if I would be interested in running a 5K on 4th of July for a memorial for a police officer killed in the line of duty in the city she used to work for. Yes yes yes! Hang out with my BFF and for a good cause?! Yes!

 

 

This 'country' environment also encourages us to spend more time at home. It's extremely peaceful out here. There are animals we can play with:

 



 

 

We bought a golf cart to play around in. It's perfect for those summer sunset drives:

 



 

So, yeah, everything is going pretty great now. I still haven't established a routine. Kids go back to school mid-August, so I'll worry about it then. Until then, we are thoroughly enjoying life, and each other.



Try This on for Size

Well, it is taking me a little bit of time to adjust to this whole SAHM thing. There are a lot of crazy factors involved that are keeping me from fully slipping into the role.

1. The kids' last day of school and Jared's Junior High graduation came less than 2 weeks after my 'official' last day of work. 'School's Out for the Summer' causes an immediate mental/emotional/physical change in the kids and I. Whether I'm working or not, there is a sigh of relief followed by late dinners, later bedtimes and just general giddiness in all of us for the first couple of weeks.

That's my boy!

2. We had a HUGE family (three day event) wedding to attend. It was fantastic and yet another example of why I made the decision to quit. This wonderful wedding included 3 separate events: the rehearsal dinner Friday night, the wedding Saturday, then the Sunday get together to help clean up (which I can take zero credit in) and the consumption of left overs (which I fully and happily take credit in!). Due to the drawn out nature of this event, if I had been working, I would have barely made it to only the actual ceremony. However, my lazy unemployed ass was able to enjoy that fabulous family for the three days!

Before the ceremony

3. This one is a biggie. We are MOVING!!! Obviously, this will jack up ANY kind of routine, existing or attempting at one. With me quitting, we need to move closer to Jimmy's work (and a more affordable city). We've been packing all week and Jimmy has been hauling out loads every day. I almost choked up a bit when he loaded up one of my couches that I purchased when I was a 22 year old single mother. I soooo remember buying that set and how damn proud I was to finally own some brand new furniture. Sure, it was clearance, but it was clean and AWESOME! Now it's going to a new home. We won't have room for it anymore. We won't have room for a lot of stuff anymore. But that is OK and actually that is exactly what I need. Rid my life, my mind, my body of the extra 'stuff'. That is going to take some growing (shrinking?) pains, but it is absolutely necessary. This current house and environment is totally preventing me from embracing the SAHM lifestyle. I have actually even told my family and friends that very thing when they ask if it has sunk in yet that I am no longer working. I say 'You know, where we live now and the lifestyle we are living is leftover from 'Working Stephanie'. The new (older) home will be where I only live as a SAHM. I don't think it will 'sink in' until we are settled into the SAHM home.' With that realization, I am not stressing too much about how well (sooooo NOT well) I am slipping into my new role. Ask me again in a month....um...on second thought, ask me again in August and I have no doubt I will be doing a LOT better. Right now it just feels like vacation. And the kids are LOVING it! But, it didn't stop me from buying an apron, just to see how I LOOK as a SAHM. I think it fits me. What do you think?

My Lightning Show

   I love love love lightning storms. We get them so rarely here in California that it's such a treat when it occurs. However, the past few years, due to my work hours and how precious sleep was, I have missed a couple of performances. When working day shift, my alarm clock went off at around 4:15 am. The lightning storms usually occur after midnight. From midnight until my alarm went off was serious business for me. If anything got in the way of those last few fleeting hours, it was an absolute disaster for me. Dramatic much? Oh yeah...that was serious shit. So, the couple of times that we had a lightning storm after midnight on a work night, I would wake up and be excited for about 2 seconds before stomping up out of bed to shut the window, draw the black out shades down and close the door so the light and noise wouldn't wake me and then I would try to hurry up and go back to sleep. It was miserable. I would miss out on one of my favorite things because I couldn't risk lack of sleep before a shift.

   But guess what? I was granted another shot last night. Windows open, I was dead asleep when I woke to the beautiful music of thunder. I didn't know exactly what it was at first, but it was confirmed by another set of lightning strikes, completely bathing my room in that sharp whiteness. I look at the clock, it was a little before 4 am. I could get up! I could go towards the front of the house for a better view! Found Jimmy with the same idea already out of bed and in front of a wide open window watching the show. I joined him. I put my arms around him and just smiled. We watched it for about 15 minutes and then I was content to go back to sleep. I could have totally done this before and it wouldn't have changed how tired I was! I missed out. But no more. There are so many wonderful things out there that I can fully experience and enjoy now. My children and the experiences with them was what brought me to the decision to stay at home, but I had forgotten all of the other little things I had been denying myself. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to fully enjoy my children and I am loving the added bonus of all the little extras.

Ah...so THIS is 'life'

    Last week, my first week off, left me feeling all discombobulated. Luckily I was smart enough to not make any plans with anyone nor commit to anything other than getting my kids to and from school. I survived. Barely.

    My weekend went well. We didn't have our 'Friday Family Fun Night' as I had hoped since Jimmy got home too late. But it certainly felt more relaxed for everyone. Saturday Jimmy had to work and Leah went with him to be dropped off at grandma's for the day. This worked out perfectly because I needed to take Jared to shop for his Junior High Graduation outfit. It was going to be great, boys are easy to buy for, right? Well, maybe they are, but for my freakishly weird man/child 15 year old, apparently size 29 trousers are absolutely impossible to find! After spending 90 minutes in three different stores and me completely fed up and pissed off at him (real quality mother/son time, I tell you! And seriously...like it was HIS fault he was that size?!). We decided to take a break, have some lunch, I apologized and all was well again. We finally found a store (more expensive than I originally hoped) that had everything we needed in his size! Whoo-hoo! After 5 hours, 4 stores, 2 cities, we were finally heading home. Jared was anxious to try everything on to show his dad:



I guess it was all worth it. :-)

     Sunday: The first day of my ambitious week! Took Leah to see Epic, was really cute. Cleaned house, made dinner. Was a perfect Sunday. I even took a catnap at some point.
     Monday: Jimmy and I drove out to see my 84 year old grandma. Went for a walk with her and took her out to lunch. I looooooove that woman!



Love! I think this was in 2010

 

   Tuesday: Met my friend Julie for lunch and crammed a LOT of talking into less than 2 hours. Miss her!
    Wednesday: Leah had her annual school 'Ho Down' where everyone dressed up like cowboys/girls and each grade performed a square dance. Out of the three years she has been at this school, this was the first one I was finally able to attend. It was adorable.

  Thursday (today): Hooked up with another friend, Genevieve, for a few hours and caught up on a lot. Missed her too!
   Friday: Plans to visit my cousin Jennifer tomorrow and I've been missing my quality bonding time with her, so this is long overdue.
   Saturday: Hooking up with another 2 friends for lunch.

   Every single day, in addition to all my socializing,  I've managed to do at least one load of laundry, make dinner every night (which is a flipping MIRACLE in itself since the past 18 months I never actually cooked dinner more than 3 nights a week [shout out to my MIL for sending home meals to ensure my family was fed]!), keep the downstairs somewhat tidy and spend quality time with each family member. It feels pretty damn good. I know I will still have my ups and downs, but having been through some pretty deep 'downs' (last week) and some pretty high 'ups' (this week), I know that this stay at home thing is going to work out just fine.

   Next week: Packing (we're moving in 2.5 weeks), last week of school/graduation and a huge family wedding! Busy busy busy. Thank God I don't have to try to mix in work in the middle of all this LIFE.



Expectations

   

It hasn't even been 1 full week of me being off work, but it's been quite the roller coaster for me. My last day was supposed to be Monday, but I ended up canceling the overtime I was planning to work. It kind of screwed me up since I didn't realize my last shift was Sunday until after I was gone. I lost my 'last day of work' experience. I didn't say any goodbyes. I couldn't tell you the details of 'the last 911 call I ever took'. I didn't soak up the experience as I would have had I known it was my last day. It affected me more than I anticipated and I was experiencing a different mentality than what was expected. My kids were happy, my husband was jumping for joy, I was getting multiple texts: 'OMG! Are you SO excited?!' 'Freeeeeedom!!! Aren't you SO happy?!' 'YAY! So excited for you!' and just everyone was so positively supportive. But me? Well, I felt empty. You know those scenes in movies where people stare into space (or the mirror) to represent deep soul searching thoughts and revelations? Well....there was a lot of staring into space for me. But my mind was filled with 'I don't have a job. I don't have a job. I don't have a job.' It was the weirdest thing for me. And it scared me. I remember texting Alicia and asked her what her first few days off were like and she basically told me that her experience had been pretty great. So....what the HELL was wrong with ME?! I know now that nothing was 'wrong' with my reaction and feelings. It was just 'different'.

   Tuesday was better. I don't know if it was because Tuesday was originally going to be my first full day off or what, but it just felt better. With the 12 hour shifts schedule I had, days off during the week were the norm so being home while the kids go to school isn't a big change for me. What WAS a change was the lack of extreme and utter exhaustion I usually feel during my days off. My days off were typically not guaranteed and quite sporadic. So when I did get days off, I had this constant desire to SLEEP. Like, all of the time. If I had a day off, I wasn't always sure I was guaranteed the next day off before a 50 hour workweek. So it was almost like I tried depositing sleep into my mental bank so I wouldn't run out before the end of my week. Workdays were, as I said, 12 (sometimes 14-18) hour shifts and I typically was lucky if I got 6-7 hours of sleep each night. So my sleep bank ran out quickly.  I was always bankrupt. But now, with only the knowledge that I'm not facing a long workweek is enough to give me a little more energy each day.

    Here I am now, Friday morning, and I plan on having a family meeting this weekend. You see, all 4 of us had different expectations of how this was all going to pan out. And NONE of the expectations have been met. As much as I wanted a bit of recovery time, I know that I need to step up my game and make some serious changes in my daily routine. However, my family needs to understand that I have NEVER been a stay at home....anything, and that the skills required to run a household smoothly will not happen overnight. I think it will help that we all make our expectations crystal clear and we will all need to work on compromise and a game plan. I think I will pencil that in for tomorrow. Tonight?! Family Fun Night!!! Friday Freedom for all of us and it's time to finally properly celebrate me quitting my job and enjoy the 3 reasons why I did it. I'm finally in that mindset that everyone expected me to be in on Monday. YES! I'm excited...YES! I'm happy...YAY Jumping for joy!!

Introductions

  Hi! My name is Stephanie.

 

  Where do I start? OK - basics. I am 34 years old. I have two kids.

My 15 year old son, Jared:

 And my 9 year old daughter, Leah:

 My husband Jimmy and I have been married for 10 years.

Up until 2 days ago, I was a 911 dispatcher.

Now I am a housewife in training.

   I started working at the 911 center in 2001. At that time I was a single mom and every move I made professionally was always and only to make more money to support us. When Jared was born, I was an unemployed 19 year old. He was 5 weeks old when I got a job as a temp worker selling Alhambra water door to door. It sucked, but it helped me get us our own apartment before he was 3 months old. Shortly after that, our whole 'sales group' was laid off. I delivered pizzas until the temp company hooked me up with a full time job as a janitor in a laboratory facility. It was $10 an hour and full benefits! I had to commute an hour each way and it was swing shift hours, but I didn't care. It was steady income for my son and I. I then applied and got the job as a security dispatcher in the same facility making $4 more an hour. DUDE!!! I was ROLLING in the dough! About 18 months later, rumors were going around of a 911 center that was planning a huge expansion and was looking to hire about 12 people. I had always been interested in emergency services, and yes...it was more $. So I applied. I started the week after 9/11. And wow....what a time to start into a field like that, right? It was an exciting job and one that I was extremely proud of. The money, benefits, and pride for that position kept me from looking anywhere else. It provided everything we needed and most of what we wanted.

  Until....it didn't.

 It basically got to a point where I realized that it was actually taking away more than it was providing. I was constantly faced with the choice to be a good employee OR a good mother. My kids were suffering because of it. Even though it was really good money, I didn't have the time to enjoy anything. We decided that a simple life with less was better than no life at all. It was a very tough decision. But I couldn't risk the regret I knew I'd have later on down the road and not have a better relationship with my husband and kids.

  So here I am. My last day of work was 2 days ago. Let's see how this goes.....